The People Pleasing Pattern Unpacked

I harp on gentleness, ironically, because it's so hard for recovering people pleasers to be gentle with themselves. It's all behind the scenes, but there's a tidal wave of self-judgment and fear that fuel the lies we tell to keep the peace.

Lies. It’s a strong word that suggests manipulation. It’s not. Please read on.

Being a slave to the people pleasing pattern is exhausting, and prickly, and it feels so so good when we finally let it go. I’m going to tell you why it’s important and how to do this… after I explain exactly how it feels to live as a people pleaser.

People-pleasing trains us to manage other people’s comfort at the expense of our own truth. Our attunement to overall energy is heightened, and we become abnormally brilliant at reading the room… tracking tone, micro-expressions, subtle shifts in energy, emotional undercurrents. It’s the mark of empathy. But when it’s practiced almost entirely outwardly, without a strong anchor within, it can quietly erode our boundaries.

Sometimes we don’t say anything at all, yet inside there’s a constant hum… an unspoken urgency that never rests. When feelings go unexpressed for long enough, we can lose touch with the signals our bodies are sending. Because of our disconnection to self, we can’t feel our truth, even if asked directly for it by a loved one, and their request may feel like an attack. We may arbitrarily pick something and display it as a trophy for them… a performance for their benefit. This untethered state becomes our normal operating place and discomfort is accepted as the .

Over time, other people’s emotions feel closer than our own. Without a clear sense of where we end and others begin, we instinctively move to manage the emotional field, adjusting ourselves, softening edges, trying to soothe or stabilize what’s around us so we can feel steady again. We hide alternate opinions or exhaustion in relationships, fearing that unsettling someone with our honesty might lead to disconnection. It’s not manipulation; it’s survival. It’s how many of us learned to stay connected, to stay safe.

The people pleasing operating place is linked to many illnesses according to Gabor Maté in his book, When the Body Says No. It's full of documented medical research on the topic. If you think of it in terms of energy, we are halting the flow with our resistance and inauthenticity. Chronic stress from emotional repression leads to physical illnesses like autoimmune diseases, cancer, and heart disease. The mind/body/heart connection must be reestablished for us to move toward optimal health. So this work is not fluffy, it's not extraneous, it is absolutely necessary.

The only way to truly interrupt this pattern is to become willing to let someone go—to make peace with the possibility of abandonment. That may sound extreme, or even frightening to the people pleaser, but it’s often the antidote to this pattern. We have to trust that we will be okay even if someone chooses to leave. We must allow that outcome into our awareness, even though our default has been to do everything in our power to prevent it.

This willingness creates enough space between us and another person to begin discovering our own boundaries. And often, what we fear most isn’t what actually happens. Many times, others’ responses to our boundaries are not rejection at all, but a deeper, more honest connection, even if the shape of the relationship changes.

When we no longer rely on others for a sense of absolute safety and belonging, we’re freer to be ourselves and to communicate what’s real. That openness makes room for a more authentic and expansive connection, one that can hold discomfort and rough patches without collapsing. This work asks us to think beyond an old internal block: to accept that staying aligned with ourselves may mean tolerating some tension or uncertainty with others, and trusting that integrity is worth it.

This is a big decision. The people pleasing pattern has kept things smooth for so long, we aren’t sure at first if trading that external peace for upheaval is worth it. But if you’re reading this, you must know it’s becoming a non-negotiable for you. Your own inner peace, your soul, is asking for this consideration.

It’s time to make a choice.