The Constant Analyzer

Those of us with abandonment wounds have based our egos on our ability to analyze a situation or a person, identify the intricacies of how they are presenting, and conform in ways that meet their needs. While I think empathy is a wonderful trait, I know there’s a line I’ve crossed in which I’ve met others in ways that were not in alignment with my own being in order to make them feel nurtured. Because meeting the needs of others was how I ensured I would be loved, and not left.

I am at the point in my healing process where I am noticing that the constant analyzing is what keeps me in my head and causes strain on my being, and my relationships. It creates an expectation that I will know what to do to keep myself safe. It is a process with its own set of boxes for me to check to meet my goal. I am to provide comfort, understanding, and maybe even solutions. These are not bad things to want to offer someone, but the intention behind them is where I’ve gotten off track. When my own needs are at the center of these actions, they are not selfless. They are a defense, and come from a place of inauthenticity. This has become so engrained in me, that I find it difficult just to be with someone…to listen…to love without needing to DO anything.

So this is part of my work now. To separate myself from someone else’s pain or problems, and just be with them. To love without needing to feel like I’m making them feel better. To understand that it’s their journey, and I am not going to be the one to fix anything for them. I think this will take the pressure off of me to constantly analyze, and to create a space of loving support in which it’s ok that I don’t have any answers.

This noticing has stemmed from time in silence. I’m wrapping my brain around some new concepts. I am a sovereign being, not dependent on others for my survival. I am worthy of love, even if I don’t clammer for it. And to truly connect, love has to be given without any expectation.